So far in this course we have looked at how two principles: our sexuality is both good and holy. We're now going to apply both of these principles to two of the four broad areas that arise with children aged 2-11:
- Exploration/questions about their bodies
- Questions about growing up/parents bodies
- What does it mean to be male/female?
- Where do babies come from?
First I would like you to see what message the typical parental response is giving and what the consequences of that response will be. Then I would like you to come up with a response that both brings out the holiness of God's creation whilst also positively affirming/blessing its goodness.
Let's recap the example we looked at in a previous post:
For example:
Your son/daughter (age 4) has his/her hand down his pants/knickers and is gently playing with their genitals.
A typical parental response would be to say:
"What do you think you’re doing? Stop that at once – it’s disgusting!"
What is the message that this response is giving?
Well firstly the response forgets that this is a child who has no idea that what they're doing has any "adult" sexual connotations. It simply feels nice and comforting. So the parent's reaction will seem quite over the top to their child. Coupled with this will be the message that either feeling nice is bad or my genitals are bad or both and is likely to lead to guilt or shame about their sexuality or sexual feelings. In addition, it will make them unlikely to come to you if they have any questions or concerns in the future - which will lead them to seek answers elsewhere which may be inappropriate.
So what is a better response?
Firstly, we need to affirm that that God made our sexual organs pleasurable as a gift to us (however, this is not the full response - but you'll have to wait until the next post before we can do that!) and then we need to point to the true meaning of the gift (ie its holiness). So a response might start something like this (goodness in green and holiness in purple):
"I see that you're touching your ..."
...
"Does it feel nice?"
...
"Did you know that God made our ... to feel nice?"
...
"Yes it's true. Daddy God gave you this gift to share with your husband/wife when you grow up because it will help you experience the joy in Heaven when the world was made."
I hope this helps you see the kind of conversation we're going for. Honest, affirming its goodness and the true meaning. More details on the how to communicate will be covered in the third principle that will be blogged in the next post.
OK, your turn now. Here are some situations and a typical parental response.
Identify what message the current response gives and its consequence and then be. Then I would like you to come up with a response that positively affirms the goodness of our sexuality and displays its holiness/true meaning.
Exploration/questions about their bodies
You catch your daughter flashing her knickers to the boys.
Current response: stop that at once! We don’t flash show our private parts to other people!
You catch your child taking clothes off with a friend
Current response: Put your clothes on! God says you only take off your clothes with your wife!
Your child finishes a story with ‘Johnny was mucking around again at school. He's such a dick!’
Current response: I never want to hear such filthy language again – go to your room!
Where do babies come from?
Your son aged 8 asks “But how does a baby get inside mummy?”
Current response: The man puts his willy inside mummy’s vagina.
The balance between the two principles of goodness and holiness is key. Saying it's good without mentioning holiness (like the world) will just lead to indulgence. Saying it's holy without mentioning its goodness (like the church has done but with a legalistic view of holiness) leads to shame. Mentioning both is the secret to all our conversations with our children.
In our next post we'll look at the third principle of teaching our children godly sexuality: "As you walk along..." which covers the how in more detail.
In our next post we'll look at the third principle of teaching our children godly sexuality: "As you walk along..." which covers the how in more detail.
