The meaning of divorce (godly marriage)

Two weeks ago my older brother sent me a message to let me know that he was divorcing his wife.

It was like a punch in the gut.

I messaged him back telling him our story of how God turned our marriage around using the marriage course and I pleaded with him to get help from the God who can bring light into the darkest of places. But it was to no avail. He had already determined that was the action he would take and nothing was going to change his mind. All that is left for my wife and I to do is to support his soon-to-be ex-wife in whatever way we can.

Why does divorce affect me so deeply? Because I understand it's true meaning. So let's take a look at what the bible says about divorce.

The Old Testament and Divorce

Now actually the OT testament only hints at how divorce worked amongst the Hebrew people. For example, it makes no mention the provisions made in the ketubah (marriage contract) of the money that had to be paid to the wife if the husband divorces divorce her and only mentions the certificate of divorce when addressing the issue of remarrying your wife.

“When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favour in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, and if she goes and becomes another man's wife, and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the LORD.” (Dt 24:1-4a)

It appears to say that if something is so bad that it warrants divorce then it’s clearly so bad that remarriage is out of the question. This protects against hasty decisions and protects the woman against exploitation. Indeed, the combination of a certificate verifying her status and receiving at least her dowry back upon divorce meant she had a chance of life unlike women in other cultures.

The New Testament and Divorce

Fast forward about 1500 years and this passage is no longer about remarrying but about the meaning of “indecency” that Moses commanded them to divorce their wives for.

There were two schools of thought on this: Rabbi Shammai took the conservative view that the sole grounds for divorce was some grave matrimonial offence whereas Rabbi Hillel who took the liberal view that any trivial offence such as burning the dinner or the husband losing interest in his wife.

You’ll never guess which view was preferred by the Pharisees and indeed the population at large and hence why they asked Jesus whether it was lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause (Mt 19:3)

Jesus and Divorce

So what does Jesus say about divorce?

Well Jesus would have none of this – he takes them back to how marriage was designed in Gen 2 – one man, one woman, one flesh, joined together (literally glued) by God in a lifelong covenant (Mal 2:14) and no man should ever separate what God has joined together! (Mt 19:6)

“The man who hates and divorces his wife...does violence to the one he should protect,”.
Mal2:16

This is a hard teaching. Small wonder that the disciples despaired saying “it is better not to marry” (Mt 19:10)

Jesus makes clear that the commands about divorce were a concession due to man’s hardness of heart (Mt19:8) and not part of God’s plan at all.

Remember the man and woman and the Spirit are a prophetic image of the Trinity. God is many but One eternally. Divorce caused by our hardness of hearts ruptures that image.

Paul and Divorce

However, Paul gives us more insight to the meaning of marriage – not only is it an image of the Trinity but it is a prophetic image of Christ’s marriage to His Bride, the Church (Eph 5:31-32).

Hence to divorce is to proclaim that Christ gives up on us.

Now Israel repeatedly broke their covenant with YHWH and ran after other gods (Jer 3:6).

How did God react? He wanted to forgive them and have them return (Is 54:6-7). Hosea was even commanded to marry a prostitute (Hos 1:2) to demonstrate YHWH’s commitment to Israel despite their waywardness.

Today and divorce

2000 years on and history repeats itself.

We have the conservative camp (like Rabbi Shammai) that says you can’t divorce except for adultery – even if one spouse is abusing the other.

We have the liberal camp (like Rabbi Hillel) that says you can divorce for whatever reason as God wants you to be happy.

The argument is over whether Jesus really meant what he said or whether we can excuse it due to a cultural thing or whatever gives us what the hardness of our hearts desire.

And Jesus is still calling us back to the heart of marriage and its prophetic declaration about the nature of God and Christ's love for us.

Reality and hope

Anyone who says marriage is easy is lying – it will bring us to the end of our pride and ourselves as we journey into oneness.

There should be no surprise that it is hard as Satan, the anti-Christ, desires to destroy anything that glorifies Christ and since marriage prophetically speaks of His eternal love for us then of course it will be a target. Of course he's going to tempt us with lies like "the grass is greener on the other side" or "you don't feel it anymore" or "it shouldn't be this hard" or "you deserve better than this".

We will find ourselves on our knees calling out for His help to overcome our selfishness and hence it is no surprise that the biggest indicator of a marriage surviving is whether a couple prays together. We need Christ’s help and the support of the Body of Christ to daily take up our cross and walk the path of love.

If there are struggles then we stand with them as the Body and support them however we can through godly wisdom, prayer and practical support.

If someone is not living up to their calling in marriage then we should challenge them and use church discipline if necessary -- always hoping that they will turn and repent.

However, for reconciliation there needs to be repentance and forgiveness. And without both of these divorce may occur. But let it always be with weeping that Christ has not been glorified and anything thereafter (even if they have successful remarriages) now no longer images the God who gave up everything for us to keep His covenant of love with us.

My wife and I have sought to support those in marriage struggles however we can and we have wept with those where there has been no reconciliation and then practically supported the injured party afterwards.

There has even been an occasion where I have had to rescue someone from dangerous spouse and then ensure they have somewhere safe to go.

However, in all these occasions I don't rejoice over how things are better now - I weep for what should have been.

Yes the world is broken but may that never lead us to accept anything less than that which brings glory to Jesus, let us do all we can to declare His undying love to a dark world before it is too late.

Amen.

Marriage: a journey into oneness (godly marriage)

Recently, I heard of another celebrity couple breaking up. Whereas once I would have not cared that much or blamed their lifestyle, now I find it breaks my heart and I start praying.

Marriage is a prophetic image of Christ’s covenant with us, a breakup is declaring to the world that He will give up on us – that His love is finite and His devotion limited.

How terrible a statement – how can we as Christians shrug our shoulders and move on? Our weeping joins with heaven that cries “what God has joined together let no man separate” – that something on Earth would reflect this reality and shout it out for all to see.

Now this couple cited the distance apart as the reason for their breakup. As I was mourning this, the phrase “it’s not the distance apart but the distance in your heart” popped in my head.

Marriage is a journey into oneness symbolic of our journey of oneness with Christ. Each day we choose whether we go deeper or whether we hold back.



Daily we choose how much to reveal about our innermost hopes, dreams, worries and anxieties. Daily we choose to become more vulnerable or to hide our true selves from our spouse.

By revealing more we can become closer, by holding back we build a wall.

My wife believed me to be a very confident man when we married. I was outgoing and bubbly and would take her on days out to new places. The truth was anything but. I was confident in situations that were familiar but terrified of the new – the only reason she thought otherwise is that I took her to places that I had been before but she hadn’t.

It’s very hard to hide in marriage from someone who wants to become closer – but I tried. My wife booked holidays to new places and I was frightened – but rather than opening up I hid it behind “not wanting to go out” from our hotel or saying how it was all rubbish or, even worse, blaming her for choosing terrible places. By pushing her away and holding her back from my true self, I was steadily building a wall. This was one of the contributing factors to her packing up the car 7 years later driving to my office and telling me she was leaving me. As I regularly tell my children – that day I made one of the best decisions of my life. I said “I will do what it takes to fix this – I’ll even attend a marriage course”. It was that course that began the process of putting us back together. So many weeks involved me apologising for hurting her which she gracefully forgave and her heart was softened again.

But the issue of hiding was still there. I didn’t even realise I had it. Keeping people out was my survival mechanism - built to cope with a volatile earthly father and the bullying I experienced during the majority of my schooling.

Whenever someone would get too close I would instinctively want to lash out to keep them back. In retrospect, this explains why we always argued on the way home from church and healing courses. The Spirit had become exposed my woundedness and so I felt unsafe and needed to protect myself.

The breakthrough moment was 3 years later on our 10 year wedding anniversary trip. With the help of my friend I had organised a romantic visit to Rome. But I didn’t speak Italian and I had never been there before. To say I was terrified was an understatement.  I wanted to stay in our hotel room rather than go out and just buy food from a supermarket rather than go to restaurants.  But she wanted to explore it all. It was a recipe for disaster or redemption.

One day we were sitting outside the Coliseum – I just wanted to stay there all day hoping my paralysis would pass rather than go somewhere else new. 
My wife turned to me and asked, “What are you thinking?”

Normally I would have brushed her off with “nothing” but everything was so exposed that I responded, “Do you really want to know?”

She replied, “Yes” little realising what was about to be revealed. 

For the first time in our marriage I truly opened up all my innermost workings to her – I reeled off the fear after fear that were plaguing me. 

The funny thing is I don’t remember what she replied I just remember the feeling of release that her acceptance brought and how our holiday became beautiful as her acceptance and love meant I didn’t need to hide anymore.  We became allies against this enemy of fear.

Ultimately our marriage is a shadow of our relationship with Christ and each day we can choose to become closer or to build a wall.  There is no standing still.

Yes, He knows everything about us already, even the number of hairs on our heads, but it is only by us voluntarily opening up ourselves to Him that intimacy is deepened and His light floods in.

Unlike a human spouse who might reject us, He will in no wise cast us out, He is gentle and humble in heart and the perfect love that we let in will drive out our fears that we had previously kept hidden.

He is gentle but He will put us through testing, through desert times to expose what is in our hearts so that a deeper intimacy is developed than could ever be achieved from comfortable living.

Just like my trip to Rome, as uncomfortable as it was, was an opportunity for a depth in our marriage more than I could have ever have achieved if I just did all the same things every day and stayed in my comfort zone. 

May you continue to open up each door to your heart that He is knocking on and not harden your heart.  May you see every difficulty as an opportunity for becoming more intimate, more full of His light and  more “filled with the full measure of His love”.  Inn Jesus’ precious name.  Amen.

Gender differences the key to understanding God's nature (Godly Sexuality)

In previous posts we have seen that male and female together make up the full image of God and so both are needed if we are to glorify God.  We also saw that they are created different and yet designed to become one to represent the tri-unity of our Three-in-One God.

We also saw that God in His wisdom did not create male and female the same so that we are dependent on each other to see our blind spots and so we need to honour the differences.

In this post we look at how God also separated Adam into male and female to embody the polarity of His character.

A God of opposites

Have you ever struggled to understand God?  Have you ever struggled to assimilate the seeming contradictions/polarity in His nature?  For example:

• How can He both far above all creation (transcendant) and yet live within us (immanent)?  
• How can He be a terrifying consuming fire and yet beautiful? 
• How can He be a mighty warrior and yet the Prince of Peace?
• How can He be both judge and the source of grace? 
• How can He be both working and resting?
• How can He be outside of time (the initiator) yet responsive to our free will?

This is so hard to understand that we can find ourselves just focussing on one of the aspects (eg His grace) to the exclusion of the other (eg His judgement).  But this then means that we are not seeing his fullness and we have to ignore or "explain away" passages that don't fit our view (eg we only recite Ex34:6-7a “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.” and omit the rest of verse 7: “Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.”).

The names we use to describe these opposing/polar characteristics of God are masculinity (transcendant, consuming fire, warrior, judge, doing, initiator) and femininity (immanence, beauty, peace, grace, being, responsive).

Sex: A Creation of opposites

Now since Creation makes God’s divine nature known (Rom 1:20), we would expect this polarity to be reflected throughout Creation and this is evident in the two sexes of (nearly) all creatures; male and female.

Since mankind is made in the image of God we would expect to see this polarity most especially prominent here:

...God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (Gen 1:27 NKJV)

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable (neged) for him.” (Gen 2:18 emphasis mine)

The difference between male and female is expressed most clearly through the Hebrew word translated “suitable” (NIV, NASB) or “comparable” (NKJV) or “fit” (ESV).  The word neged נֶגֶד means “part opposite; specifically a counterpart”, “what is in front of, corresponding to”  or “opposite to each other are set things to be compared” .  The root of this word is nagad נָגַד which means “to be conspicuous, tell, make known” , “to bring to the light” “to stand boldly out opposite” .

“Masculine and feminine can be understood only in terms of each other; basically they are opposite and complementary qualities. They are like darkness and light. It is very hard to understand darkness except in terms of light, and light except in terms of darkness. They are two extremes on a continuum.” Robert Siegel

Since our physical bodies make visible our invisible God, then the transcendent masculine and feminine aspects of God (who is Spirit) are expressed through the physical separation of Adam into the male and female sexes. 

“The masculine can only be understood in relation to the feminine...One gives meaning to the other.” Alan Medinger

It was only after this separation that Adam recognised his true counterpart "This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh!" (Gen 2:23a) it is only then after naming (which in the Hebrew culture means understanding their nature) all the animals, that he finally understands who he is and can name his split self "she shall be called woman ('ishshah),for she was taken out of man ('iysh)" (Gen 2:23b).  He exists now in two complementary parts that require each other to make sense and we created two but belong together as one:

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”(Gen 2:24 emphasis mine)

Only when a man and woman come together in unity can we truly see the full image of God.  Only when the masculine and feminine are both expressed and honoured in the marriage relationship or in the body of Christ or in society will we see God.

If we suppress the feminine then we have a God who initiates but is far off, holy, judgemental and we get a religion of works.  If we suppress the masculine then we have a God who is peaceful, one with nature, all about relationship and accepting of everyone without requiring any change.  Clearly neither is better than the other as neither represents the full nature of God:

“[The devil] always sends errors into the world in pairs--pairs of opposites. And he always encourages us to spend a lot of time thinking which is the worse. You see why, of course? He relies on your extra dislike of the one error to draw you gradually into the opposite one.” (CS Lewis)

But if God is both masculine and feminine why is He principally described in masculine terms?

This is a good question and will be addressed in a future post.  Suffice to say, because of the meaning of gender that we have just begun to unpack, God is so masculine that we all are feminine in relation to Him.” (CS Lewis) This is why the Church is described as the Bride of Christ.

War on gender is a war on the nature of God

There is an enemy who seeks to distort the nature of God.  He started back in the Garden of Eden with "did God really say?" (Gen 3:1) and hasn't stopped since.  He is the anti-Christ who seeks to destroy anything that glorifies Jesus and this will include mankind who is made in the image of God.  In particular, since the marriage of male and female is a prophetic declaration about the nature of a our Three-in-One God then there is war on marriage.

I want to take time to quickly look at three worldviews which seek to destroy the image of God:

The first is that the physiological and psychological differences in men and women are simply a consequence of evolution and therefore merely a by-product of survival.  For example, men were hunters so are strong and have focussed vision and so on, whereas women were gatherers and hence notice colour hues and have a wider field of vision.

Such reductionist thinking not only removes the glory of the differences but leads us to think that the differences are dispensable in the modern age where we have moved beyond such struggles.  We cannot agree with a view that says their purpose is merely to survive (ie be independent of God) as we believe their principle purpose as image-bearers is to glorify God. 

The second worldview advocated by the women’s liberation movement is that all differences (other than reproduction) between the sexes are merely socially constructed.  This is understandable view - after being made to feel inferior rather than being respected as equal and valuable image bearers - saying that there is no difference would therefore imply equality. 

But such a view not only ignores the evidence from neuroscience and the commonality of gender behaviours and roles common to all civilisations throughout history, it also rejects the expression of differences that glorify God.  Worse since it postulates that men created these roles to denigrate women, it demonises the masculine traits (such as competitiveness) and falls into the equal and opposite error trap quoted above.

"Contrary to the world's view, however, the 'battle of the sexes' is not between the man and the woman, one trying to dominate the other - but rather between God and the self-centred desires of the 'flesh' in both man and woman." Gordon Dalbey

Equality does not require uniformity nor is it desirable.  For example as a parent I desire to love all of my children equally – but I wouldn’t want to remove their differences to ensure that were the case.  To do so would destroy something that is integral to their very being.  So too with gender.  Yes men and women are equal but God has made them different to reflect the polarity of His nature and His purposes for us.  Let us celebrate those differences and by doing so celebrate the full nature of our glorious God.

The third and final worldview is dualism espoused by Plato: the body and thought/spirit are separate, with the thought/spirit being the true self and the body a hindrance.  This was then refined in Descartes' phrase "I think therefore I am."  This view says that my existence, my true identity is what I think about myself.  Hence my material sexed body is immaterial and gender is merely a state of mind.

This anti-Christ spirit was refuted in the letter of John.  The godly Hebraic worldview is holistic - we are embodied spirits or spiritualised bodies.  Our bodies express our true nature - they make visible the invisible.  Being male expresses the transcendent quality of masculinity and being female expresses femininity.  This is how we can understand God through what has been physically created as the physical realm is a shadow of the heavenly reality.  The physical world reflects spiritual truths.

In future posts on this topic we will take time to explore the richness of masculinity and femininity and seek to honour both parts equally in our marriages, the body of Christ and the world.  It is my hope and prayer that this will provide a plumbline for those like me who struggle with their sexuality, that it would lead to a deeper respect for the opposite sex as an equal image bearer of God and that it will help us to see God more fully.

Please note that I am in the process of moving "godly sexuality" and my other blogs/writings together under one website johnspencerwrites.com

Gender differences: complement or conflict? (Godly Sexuality)

As we saw in our last post, male and female together make up the full image of God and so both are needed if we are to glorify God.  We saw that they are created different to represent the plurality of our Three-in-One God and they were created for unity.  It was the fact that Adam (man and woman together) were created one and then separated that leads to God saying:

For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother, and will be joined to his wife. And they will become one flesh.
(Gen 2:24 NASB)

Adam who has been split into male and female now seeks to reunite and recreate the unity that existed before that reflects the unity of our God who is also One.

Now this all sounds great until you flip it around.  The corollary of "male and female together make up the full image of God" is that individually a man or a woman do not reflect the full image of God*.  People don't like that.  People don't like being told that they need someone else.  It's the sin of pride and of rebellion that goes against popular culture "you can do it all" attitude.

However, unlike Jesus who is the exact image of the Father (Heb 1:3; Col 1:15) God in His wisdom did not create male and female the same.  Otherwise we wouldn't have blind spots and we wouldn't need the other.  We would already be complete†.

The Hebrew words used for their creation testify to this difference.  The man was יָצַר  (yatsar) moulded/squeezed from the earth like a potter does to clay, whereas the woman was בָּנָה (banah) built/fashioned from the side of Adam.  It is also interesting to note that the development of a baby mimics the split of Adam into male and female when at 7 weeks boys experience a testosterone surge which literally destroys the corpus callosum that joins the two hemispheres of the brain. The male baby is cut off from part of himself.

The saying opposites attract actually has a lot of truth to it.

However, without unity in Christ opposites may attract but they can also destruct each other.  My early marriage is an example of this.  You see I was attracted to my wife because she was so different to me.  I'm actually quite introverted whereas she is such a people person.  I like everything predictable whereas she likes surprises.  Yet I am fine with mess but she loves the house looking ordered.  I am a hoarder whereas she is a thrower.  I'm a sorter, she's a tidier.  I like going to the same places again and again whereas she likes going to different places each time.  You get the picture.

However, when we got married I assumed that my way was the "right" way and tried to make her like me and said her way was wrong.  I crushed the spirit out of who she was.  She too assumed that her way was the "normal" way and so didn't understand why I didn't see the things that she did.  Why didn't I see the mess, why didn't I wrap up presents, why did we always do the same things, buy the same food and not go to parties.  She became frustrated with me.

We both became unhappy as we both wanted the other to be like us and neither of us were.  And my domineering ways meant the she capitulated and did things my way but actually this didn't please me as my life became dull and monochrome.  This is no surprise as we were no longer reflecting the full image of God - the plurality in unity - we were no longer bringing Him glory.

Even our children became partakers in this battle.  If one of them said "I like doing... with you daddy" I would take it as confirmation that I was the better parent.  If one of them said "Mummy lets us ..." I would take it as an offence.

Fast forward some 15+ years and we are in a different place.  We came to the brink of divorce but a marriage course, the transforming work of the Spirit through courses such Celebrate Recovery and Freedom in Christ, together with sozo and other prayer sessions and just the ongoing maturity through the Spirit's work means that we are unashamedly who we were created to be.  We recognise that we are different.  But we realise that our differences are a gift to the other and we need to honour that gift or we will become diminished as a result.  We each have blind spots and the other is God's gift to us to show them.

Here's a silly example that illustrates this.  I always used to berate my wife that she never checked the oil or the tyre pressures.  This was something that I felt I "had" to do because she never did.  But the reality is that God has made me different - so that I see this but she doesn't.  Therefore my gift to our marriage is to check the oil and the tyre pressures.  She blesses me if she honours that difference "Thank you for checking them - it means a lot to me" (or whatever love language works for you).  I don't need to resent that she never does this - because her gift to me is something different.  An example is that she always remembers to get birthday cards for friends and family.  This is something I never did before I was married.  So I honour this difference by thanking her and signing the card and encouraging her to send gifts too.

We also celebrate the fact that the children enjoy doing different things with each parent.  They are special mummy things (like going to a coffee shop) or daddy things (like going tree climbing).  We stop them when they say "I prefer mummy because..." and we tell them that God gave them both of us as only then will they see all of God. It's interesting to see that our children are becoming a beautiful unity of the different characteristics.  For example our eldest daughter is incredibly creative like her mother and is taking art at A level.  She is also very analytical like her father and is also taking maths at A level.  The school is bewildered but we see it as the glory of God.


But remember marriage is a shadow of the heavenly reality - our marriage to Christ (Eph 5:31-32).  Realising that we need the other opens our eyes to the greater truth that we need Jesus: without Him we can do nothing (Jn 15:5).  Without Him we are incomplete.  Without Him we will never glorify God.

Father, forgive me that I have resented my spouse's differences.  Forgive me that I have tried to make them like me or got upset when they didn't see what I saw.  Help me to honour their differences as their gift to me and let me offer my complementarity as a gift to them.  In Jesus' name.  Amen.

Further Reading

Culture of Honour by Danny Silk

*A note to single people. Don't let anyone bash you over the head and say "You need to get married to experience the fullness of God".  The church community is the body of Christ and is made up of male and female and so you will experience this fullness when living and serving in this community.

†This is the same in a church.  One person does not make a church.  And Christ deliberately gives different gifts to the members of His Body so that all members are needed to build each other up.  We only mature in community.  Despite our worldly mentality that says there is one person in charge who does it all - this is simply not the case. 

Unity not uniformity

There’s some fantastic laws in Leviticus (no really!) that contain immense truth:

Keep my decrees. Do not mate different kinds of animals.  Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed.  Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. (Lev 19:19)

And in Deuteronomy:

A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this... Do not plant two kinds of seed in your vineyard; if you do, not only the crops you plant but also the fruit of the vineyard will be defiled...Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together.  (Dt 22:5, 9, 11)

Why on earth are these important?

God is Three

Well remember that creation was made to glorify God.  It does this by making known God’s divine nature (Rom 1:20) and since our God is three the different genders, species and materials reflect the plurality of the Godhead.

So anything that seeks to remove these differences actually seeks to destroy how creation glorifies God.  That is why crossbreeding, cross-dressing and the intermixing of seeds and material were prohibited.  Each of these actions ultimately causes the loss of the distinctive characteristics and qualities of the different species, genders or materials.

These differences are especially important in marriage as only male and female together make up the full image of God:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. (Gen 1:27; 5:2 KJV)

And in the church, the Body of Christ:

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. (1 Cor 12:12)

The members of the church are different and have been given different gifts and all are needed to express the full image of Christ and all are needed to build up each other (see also Eph 4).

God is love

Intuitively we know that honouring the differences shows love and this reflects our God who is three and whose nature is love.  For example I wouldn't be loving all my children if I gave them all the same gift of a stunt bike for their birthdays.  My eldest son would be delighted but my three other children would be upset and feel unloved.

We see this in how God deals with the different individuals in the Bible in different ways.  He even heals the same condition (such as blindness) in different ways.  So too the Spirit of love gives different gifts to the members of Christ’s Body, and God created male and female different to each other.  These differences glorify the full nature of the Godhead.

God is one

However our God is also one (eg Jn 10:30).  There is unity in the Godhead hence we use “Trinity” which comes from tri-unity.  And so God is glorified when there in unity amongst the differences.  Jesus prayed that the church would be one like he and the Father are one (Jn 17).  Hence we speak of communion which comes from common-union.  And one flesh (Gen 2:24) comes from the unity of male and female.

Unity is a beautiful and godly thing (Ps 133:1) but the counterfeit to unity is uniformity.  This has been seen throughout history, such as in the Hellenisation of different cultures.  It is more prevalent than ever in our common age under the guise of technological advances or equality.  The world speaks of diversity but to think different is to be classified as sexist or a bigot.  To say anything different is now classified as “hate speech”.  Love has been confused with agreement.

This lie has permeated the church:

• There must be one “right” way of ministering healing – all methods must be wrong.  
• There must be one “right” way of worshipping – other methods are clearly inferior/not spirit led or unscriptural.  
• There is one “right” way of doing church – all other denominations are wrong/unbiblical.  

And so we end up not with unity but competing ministries/churches where each contain cookie-cutter Christians who look the same, think the same and act the same.

It’s easy to understand why.  Because uniformity requires no grace/love for those who are different.  It requires no sacrifice/change in one’s own life.  It’s convenient Christianity.  It’s not taking up your cross and denying self (Mk 8:34).

How can we have unity of differences?

If we return back to those laws in Leviticus and Deuteronomy there was actually times when the forbidden mixture of wool and linen was allowed – in the prayer tassels and the clothes worn by priests.  Only priests were allowed to mix the aromatic spices to make the anointing oil (Ex 30:33) and for the mixing of seeds in Dt 22:9 the Hebrew word (bizarrely translated as “defiled”) is qadash (H6942) which means consecrated/holy. 

You see the holy unity of differences can only occur through our great High Priest Jesus (Heb 4:14). 

Jesus is glorified if there is unity amongst believers (Jn 17:20-23) but it’s impossible to have unity between a zealot and a tax-collector without Christ’s spirit of love.  And so this could only be realised after the Spirit came at Pentecost:

All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had.
(Acts 4:32 see also Acts 2:42-47).

It is this unity between differences that glorifies/speaks of God.  That’s why Jesus said “everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (Jn 13:35).  A sign of a church that reflects Christ’s love is one that crosses social, racial, political and denominational barriers – people who are different – that’s what the world will see as astonishing.

That's why when Paul speaks of the differing gifts of the spirit in 1 Cor 12 and 14 he speaks of God’s Spirit of love in 1 Cor 13.  And again when Paul talks of the different gifts and ministries in Eph 4 he speaks of unity in love through the Spirit. 

Jesus is glorified when there is unity between the man and women in marriage.  And this is only possible through the Spirit of love.  Hence God breathed his breath, his spirit into them (Gen 2:7) and the man, woman and Spirit makes a cord of three strands that is not easily broken (Ecc 4:12).

Only in Christ is there unity in churches and marriages.  But greater than all of these is the truth that only in Christ can there be unity between God and man.  Things so different that could never be together on their own.

Making it reality

So when you become frustrated with someone who is so different to you, whether that be in church or in your marriage, and you find yourself crying out “I just can’t love <blank>” then look to Jesus who cried “it is finished” and through his death broke down the dividing walls (Eph 2:14), ripped the curtain of the temple (Mt 27:51) and brought unity between God and sinful man, Jew and Gentile, slave and free and male and female (Gal 3:28). 

Father, forgive me that I want to take the easy route of uniformity.  I want everyone to be like me so I can have a convenient life.  Father, I can’t love them on my own, I need your Spirit.  Help me to honour their differences and to sacrificially love them like your Son sacrificed himself for us when we were your enemies so that we can be one.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen.

In case you’re wondering about the picture.  It’s all the components of a camera.  Only if all those individual parts are become one do we get the whole camera.  Only together do they give the full picture (pun intended).  So too may it be in our marriages and churches.

Further reading

• I am indebted to this Jewish article that first opened my eyes to the significance of Leviticus and its application to sexuality.
• To read more about oneness in sexuality you can read my earlier post here.
• I also highly recommend “The Culture of Honour” by Danny Silk that gives some great tips of loving and honouring the differences in the church.
• And finally I thought this article from relevant magazine on sub-cultures of uniformity in the church rather than unity in love was worth reading.

Principle #2: Holy (Teach your children godly sexuality part 9)

In the previous post we looked at the first aspect of the holiness of our sexuality: it reflects the inseparable oneness and intimacy of the Trinity.

In this post we look at the second and related reason it has been set apart by God:

It has been set apart by God to reflect the eternal covenantal love of the Trinity.

As we mentioned in a previous post the Father has been eternally loving the Son (Jn 17:24) by the Spirit (eg Rom 15:30) and so John declares that "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." (1 Jn 4:8). So we are created as lovers in the image of God.

However, this love is very different to our concept of love - it is Holy.  The aspect of this holy love that we want to look at here is the covenantal nature of His love.

What is a covenant?

The word "covenant" comes from the Latin con venire meaning a coming together. It describes a solemn binding agreement between two parties, where the deity was solemnly invoked as witness (Gen 31:50 ) to the oath that was sworn (Gen 21:31).

It was the most serious form of agreement and breaking a covenant was considered a heinous sin, and often imposed the penalty of death but at the very least there was an understanding that the one who broke the covenant would be cursed^[1].

The Hebrew verb “to seal” or “make” a covenant karath (כָּרַת), translates literally as "to cut", hence you cut a covenant.  That is because the parties were usually bound together usually by a blood sacrifice with a celebratory feast afterwards.

The tradition the Hebrews used was to cut an animal in two and then have both parties pass between the two parts (Gen 15:8-21; Jer 34:18-19).  It is suggested that they are saying "May I be torn apart like these animals if I fail to uphold my part of this covenant."

Afterwards the parties would eat the meat together in a meal (Gen 26:30; 31:54).

The cutting was the oath sign (a symbolic and specific act that seals the deal) but sometimes an additional sign or witness to the covenant was given. For example a pillar of stones (Gen 31:52).

So in summary, the components of a covenant were the oath where God was invoked as witness, the oath sign and the meal together.

Covenants between God and mankind

This most binding form of agreement was the one God chose to enter into with man.  He makes oaths with man (eg Dt 4:31) where He swears by Himself (eg Gen 22:15; Heb 6:13-17) and confirms it with a sacrifice (eg Gen 15:17-18; Ex 24:8; Matt 20:28) or other oath sign (eg Rainbow Gen 9:12-13) and a meal together (eg Ex 24:9-10).  Since God is eternal and a covenant last until the death of the parties the covenants He makes are everlasting (eg Gen 9:16; 17:7).

And yet despite us repeatedly breaking God’s covenants of love (Dt 7:7-9; Neh 1:5; 9:32) He does not change his mind (1 Sam 15:29) and is faithful when we are faithless as he cannot disown himself (2 Tim 2:13).

Marriage is a covenant

Since we are made in the image of God (Gen 1:27) we are created as covenantal lovers^[2]  and marriage is a prophetic declaration of the Trinitarian love.  However if we want to truly understand marriage then, like Jesus did (Mt 19:4), we need to go back to the beginning.

Adam and Eve were married (see Gen 3:8; 4:1) and we see in the bible that marriage is a covenant:

“It is because the LORD is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.” (Mal 2:14b)

So Adam made his covenant oath in the presence of God and later Jewish marriages were performed under the chuppah^[3]  (חוּפָּה) as a sign of God’s presence hovering over His people^[4].

Like the other covenants we have referenced it held until the death of one of the parties and hence there was no divorce:

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.  But it was not this way from the beginning” (Mt 19:8)

And had Adam and Eve not have eaten from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, then their marriage covenant would have also been eternal like the Father’s eternal love for the Son.

What is the sign of the marriage covenant?

It was the consummation.  This is why Jewish marriages were not considered complete until consummation, and only after that would the seven days of feasting begin.

This is why when blood was spilt by a broken hymen upon consummation it was understood to be the blood of the covenant they had just made.

Hence, thereafter lovemaking^[5]  is a reminder of that marriage covenant in the same way a rainbow is a reminder of God’s eternal covenant with Noah (Gen 9:16)^[6].

So the marriage covenant is symbolic of the eternal oneness and covenantal love of the Father for the Son.  The covenant joining as we saw in the last post is by God Himself (Mt 19:6) and the blood covenant represents the sacrificial act that is necessary for this to remain so.  Hence because the marriage between a man and a woman is one of the highest prophetic declarations of the nature of God:

“Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Heb 13:4)

This is why God hates divorce (Mal 2:16a) and why he won’t receive the offerings and prayers of a man who breaks faith with his wife (Mal 2:13-14) or who does not treat her with respect (1 Pet 3:7) as he is profaning the image of God^[7] .  How can a man say he loves God if he does not love his wife (cf 1 Jn 4:19-21)?

What is our covenantal marriage oath of love like?

Well we can’t define our own terms as that would be setting up our own image of God.  So we need to know what the love of the Father for the Son looks like and what Son’s love for the Father is.  But since God’s ways and thoughts are higher than ours (Isa 55:8-9) we can’t even begin to fathom.  But Jesus shows us what that love looks like as He said “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you” (Jn 15:9a) and Jesus’ love for the Father was shown by his sacrifice (Jn 14:31a):

“Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist.  After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.” (Jn 13:3-5)

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends”. (Jn 15:13)

This kind of love isn’t like how the world loves (see also Mt 20:25-28; 5:44-45) but we are to be holy like our God is holy (1 Pet 1:15-16; Lev 11:45; 20:26).  Our God makes the sun shine on the evil and the good (Mt 5:45), he loves us even though we didn’t love him (1 Jn 4:10), and sent his son to die in our place (1 Pet 3:18) while we were still sinners (Rom 5:8) and His enemies (Rom 5:10).  He now calls us His friends (Jn 15:15) and adopts us as his children (Jn 1:12) and makes us fellow heirs with Christ (Rom 8:17) with Christ’s righteousness (2 Cor 5:21).

And so the marriage vows are about lifelong sacrificial giving and laying down our life for the other not a demanding that the other person satisfies my needs.   Hence:

“Any attempt to define love in the context of what the other person does or doesn’t do violates God’s definition of love as well as the vows you spoke on your wedding day.” (Tim Alan Gardner).

This is why Paul says that “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25).

I, N , take you, N , to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part; according to God's holy law.  In the presence of God I make this vow.

Heavenly Father, by your blessing let these rings be to N and N a symbol of unending love and faithfulness, to remind them of the vow and covenant which they have made this day through Jesus Christ our Lord.
 
N, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage.  With my body I honour you, all that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you, within the love of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

---

[1] Hence the stoning of those who broke the covenant and also the curses listed for those who broke the covenant.
[2] Hence we are to be like Him “Be Holy because I am Holy”
[3] This was a rectangular piece of material, often the Jewish prayer shawl (tallit from Num 15:38).
[4] Certainly marriages weren’t originally performed in the tabernacle or temple as Jews understood that God was present everywhere.
[5] Though technically you don’t make love you celebrate your covenant of love.
[6]Thank you to Tim Alan Gardner and his book “Sacred Sex” that first opened my eyes to this.
[7]This is why homosexuality is akin to idolatry (Rom 1:22-27) as it is setting up a different image of God to the true one presented in Genesis.

Firm Foundations: Modelling sexuality (Teach your children godly sexuality part 3)

Building firm foundations in your marriage: modelling sexuality

Our children learn most from watching us.

For example, when I was growing up my parents must have repeatedly told us that we should tell the truth (I confess I don't remember these conversations but I do remember getting spanked for lying - so clearly it must have been important to them...). 

However, what I do remember (apart from the spanking) was the time they told us to lie about our age so we could get cheaper tickets to the circus.  So what did I learn?  It was unfair that I got spanked for lying when they didn't and lying is ok (as long as you don't get caught).

As we see in this example, two things will happen if our actions don't line up with our life:

• Firstly our children will see that we're a hypocrite and will lose respect for what we say. 
• Secondly, our children will copy what we do and not what we say.

However anyone who's ever been a parent for more than 5 minutes will know that we will always say one thing and do another.  The temptation is to ignore it (or worse: try and justify our actions).  It's always far better to be honest about our failings and apologise to our children for letting them and ourselves down.  That way they will learn that we have integrity - that we are calling them as well as us to the same standard.  We'll touch on this more in our next post.

Bringing this conversation back to sexuality: our children's primary understanding of sexuality is going to come from how they see us interact.  So there’s no point having conversations if our actions don’t back it up – children can see straight through this. 

For example, I never saw my parents kissing, holding hands, hugging or any kind of affection to each other nor to us (and this was simply a product of the austere environment that they themselves grew up in).  The thought of them making babies from what I heard in biology lessons was simply unthinkable.  And from the dirty jokes I heard in the playground I reasoned that it was never mentioned or expressed at home because it must be something dirty.  This thinking was one of the foundations that led me to get ensnared in pornography in my teenage years.

Hence, we need wholeness (as mentioned in the previous post) so we can model this wholeness to our children.

But what does wholeness in our sexuality look like?

As we shall see throughout this course, our God's divine nature is made known through created things:

For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. (Rom 1:20a)

And since out of all of creation we are singularly made in the image of God:

So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
(Gen 1:27)

Our sexuality, especially within the context of marriage, is actually a prophetic declaration about the nature of our three-in-one God.

So if we want to to know what our sexuality should look like we need to take time to understand the nature of the God whom we are imaging.  An overview (as represented in our icon) is that:

three-one-love

• God is a community of three distinct persons (Father, Son and Spirit) and so a marriage is a community of 3 distinct persons (man, woman and Spirit).
• God is also one (Jn 17:21-23) and so man and woman (as physical spirit beings) are designed to become "one flesh" in marriage.
• God is love (1 Jn 4:8) - the Father (the lover) eternally loving the Son (the beloved) by the Spirit (Jn 17:24) and then the Son loves the Father back (Jn 14:31).  In the same way the man (the lover) is to created love the woman (the beloved) by the Spirit and then the woman loves the man back.

For this post we're just going to briefly look at the third aspect: husbands you need to love your wives like the Father loves the Son (Jn 17:24) and like the Son then loves His Bride (Eph 5:25).

“One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”
(Howard W. Hunter)

And wives need to receive this love and then love their husbands back.

How can we do this in a way that our children see it clearly?  Gary Chapman in his excellent book speaks of 5 love languages: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts (or for those who like alliteration: touch, time, talk, tasks and tokens).

Let's look briefly at each of these in turn:

First we need to show physical affection in front of the children – by modelling this they will see this as a natural expression of love (and not something that they only see in a lustful context such as on MTV or late night telly).  So I make an effort (well most of the time it's not) to kiss my wife when I get in from work and to regularly cuddle her in front of the children.  And the children love it!  So much so that when I'm cuddling my wife I find one of my children popping up in the middle of our embrace!  Isn't that godly?  Don't we just delight in the love of God that we want to be part of it too?

“But I’m not a physical person!” you might cry.  Well that will change as we’re all becoming like Jesus who became flesh (Jn 1:14) and then showed love in a physical way.  For example he touched the unclean leper (Mt 8:13) , he held the children in his arms as he blessed them (Mk 10:16) and at the last supper he had the disciple John leaning in his bosom (Jn 13:23 NKJV).  If you are struggling, then ask for prayer for the Spirit to highlight the issues (which is often due lack of affection received growing up or abuse) and receive the Father's embrace and healing in those areas.

Secondly we need our children see us taking our spouse out on a date.  Even better involve them in the planning.  If money is tight then our children need to know that we have special mummy/daddy time on certain nights.  The disciples saw Jesus spending time with the Father and this led them to cry out "teach us to pray" (Lk 11:1) they saw something in the intimacy that made them want to experience this too.

Thirdly, we need to say how much we love our spouse and affirm them in front of the children.  So as I struggle with cooking and directions I regularly say to the children things like "I'm so glad I married your mummy as otherwise we'd be eating oven food every night" or when driving "thank you so much for map reading as I would be lost without you".  The disciples saw the Father affirming His Son when He declared "This is my Son, whom I love.  Listen to him!" (Mk 9:7).

Fourthly, we need our children to see us serving our spouse.  So my wife loves a tidy house so the children often hear me say "I'm just going to tidy this up as I love your mummy and your mummy likes it tidy".  I want to model to them that this is one way we show love - not just the "easy" gifts and physical affection.  In the same way Jesus demonstrated His love for the Father by being obedient to Him (Jn 14:31).

Finally, we need our children to see us buying gifts for our spouse.  So when I'm doing the weekly shop with my children they often see me buy a little something for mummy as she would love it.  In the Trinity we see that the whole world was an extravagant gift to Jesus "all things have been created through him and for him" (Col 1:16b)

With any list like this the danger is that we can see it as something we must strive to achieve - but that's living under law whereas we live under grace (Eph 2:8-9).  We love because he first loved us (1 Jn 4:19) - so we need to receive the Father's love for us, receive His Spirit of love (Rom 5:5; Gal 5:22) so that love just flows out of us .  Trying harder will just lead to resentment or discouragement.  Receiving the Father's love will lead to rivers flowing out of our heart (Jn 7:38 NKJV).  Spend time letting him love you - just rest in His presence and listen to Him sing songs of love over you - it'll be time well spent and your spouse will notice the difference.


Father, thank you that you love me.  Thank you that you're loving me right now.  I receive Your love now.  Fill up all the dark areas of my heart with your love.  Let me know how You rejoice over me with singing.  Let me know how You delight in me, that You are proud of me.  Let me know that nothing I have done can separate me from Your unfailing love.  Let me know that You have plans and purposes for me to prosper me and give me hope and a future.